The Axis of Eva.

If I could be anything professionally but what I am now, I would be a writer. The words of others have changed my life. Well written words, deeply emotional words or the very rare combination of the two… In a way I strive for the latter every day in my own fashion. I am not a writer, but when I do my own creative work, I’m hoping for that divine intersection in the Venn diagram  between well executed and emotional. I consider it my “hedge the bet” plan. Right or left brained be damned, odds are there is something in there that will work for you.

I mean of course I don’t pull out my guts and smear them all over the business orientated enterprises. I don’t need people getting overly emotional over a tech document or search module. That’s just patently unnecessary if not deeply improbable.

If it is all yours though and it’s creating for creations sake. Just go all out, let it all out, get it all in there. This is how people will remember you one day when you are long gone you know.

Besides you might just help out a maladjusted kid like I was one day.

There are problems in my life that are bigger than what I can fix alone. I don’t like that one bit but I am learning to accept it. What more can be said than that? I am also trying to remember that when I am sure I have run out of resources both within myself and around me I am always wrong. It isn’t worth staying in bed, it isn’t worth being angry, and it most certainly isn’t about feeling failure. It’s about finding what you need, to do what needs to be done. I’m learning to take a long hard look at such seeming insurmountable problems, maybe said problem isn’t worth trying to solve at all. Maybe it’s just time to let it go and move on to something you can work out.

I just imagined I was a fisherman who struggled for hours to land the perfect catch. But it slipped away just as I was dragging it into the boat. A flash of anxiety and frustration seemed certain to leave me ill-tempered for the rest of the evening. But the water was so clear in that in an equally brief moment I watched that perfect fish swim away as light from a late day sun glittered off the water and the clouds started turning purple. I paused, and was in that moment awed by the fish, and then the landscape. My arms were tired, my back sore but my head was clear.

It had been so long since I had logged into my blog I couldn’t remember my own password. But after several stabs I finally got it right only to find myself now at the early end of the second month of the last year on the Mayan calendar. Frankly it’s a lot of pressure and I sincerely hope that they just got bored mapping out future calendars in favor of catching some Tlatchtli over at the stadium down the way. But I am not hear to ponder the ways and means of the Mayans as interesting they certainly are.

I’m here to unload a suitcase maybe two of baggage, not all willy nilly of course I’ll try to launder and fold a few things along the way. In fact laundering and order is somewhat a good intro because I’ve been thinking a great deal about quality of life. For one the fact that I’m patently terrible about holding on to it for long. It eludes me partly because work is my sanity. Ideally at the most stressful personal times in my life I have also had a full plate. I reason that’s mostly because it’s very hard to wallow when you have said full, plate. What I always miss is the time to recover. As I advance in years I have come to realize just because the weather clears, doesn’t mean you should leave the umbrella at home. Just working all the time is like building a toolbox filled with a dozen of the same crescent wrenches. You’ll be able to fix a few things it’s true, but when you really breakdown you are going to need a hell of a mechanic who does have the tools at the very least a neighbor or friend who will lend you the tools so you can do it yourself. But really, it’s okay to leave the big jobs to a professional. For all of you that hate analogies or find them just a way to obfuscate layman talk. It’s simple really, if you need help ask for it and while you are at it learn how to help yourself. If it’s medical it’s the doctors, if it’s mental it’s the doctors and the therapists, if it’s professional seek out the successful. Build a full toolbox it’s likely going to be as painful as getting your last car repair bill because you will have to be honest with yourself. You’ll have to ask what’s missing or what you are avoiding fixing and why and find the right tools. That cracked exhaust manifold is a big deal really and if you haven’t already broken down it’s coming. Trust me, done that.